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#MeToo...

I have been sexually assaulted. It happened within an intimate partner relationship. I have only uttered these words a few times, to a few people, and come to think of it, I was unable to say sexually assaulted. I was only able to describe the situation. Even as I type this, I can feel my body getting tense. I am beginning to sweat, my fingers feel tight, and my arms feel numb. I feel my heart beating fast, and my breathing is labored.

I did not think I would ever share this publicly, but as stated in previous blogs, I believe my transparency will help me heal. And, I am ready to begin to heal from this.

The truth is that I am forever changed because of this experience. The way I show up in the world daily will never be the same.

I was use to being afraid of coming home too late. I was use to feeling fear when random men got too close to me, or said something mildly inappropriate while in the store. I had gotten use to the anxiety I feel daily when I walk into the men's shelter that I work for.

However...I was not ready for this...I was not ready for the constant fear that I would have with dating. I did not think that I would clam up when someone tried to get to know me better or that I would jump when they tried to hold my hand. I didn't think I would have a permanent side eye...yet, I do.

I recently met a wonderful man. I won't say to much about him here, other than he is a great, compassionate, and kind black man. As we have been spending time and getting to know one another, I am reminded of my assault. Not because of anything he has done, but because of this fear that I now live with. I am left to wonder what's next for me. How do I not allow this experience to control my life? How do I not view every man through this lens? How do I navigate love and my fear of being violated again?

The truth is, I may never be able to fully release what happened to me. Now, I pray that when the man who my heart is purposed for, he meets me with compassion. That he handles me with gentleness, and understands the tears that roll down my face are uncontrollable. That if I jerk away or shift from his embrace, that it is not rejection. I pray that I am allowed to be vulnerable and met with understanding. That if I get the courage to share my experiences that he will go the extra mile to make me feel safe and protected, that no pressure will be applied to move fast than I am ready...

I will end with this...this post is not a cry for help...I am working through this at a pace that is comfortable for me...one that is not overwhelming, but allows me to still show up daily, even if it is different from what it once was...

I also share this, to remind you...you never know what someone is or has dealt with. Be kind always...

~Lauren Ashley

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