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On the Road to Healing....Once Again

Today I was out of sorts. I felt liked I had reached the end of myself. I was irritated and frustrated about everything and nothing. Joyful and sad all at once. If I can be honest, I get like this from time to time. Feeling unsure of myself, uncertain of my steps, unmotivated, and questioning everything about my current existence. Often, I am not sure of what causes these feelings, or why they rise, and most times, I just ignore it, and bury myself into whatever task lies before me, because truthfully, it's easier that way. Sweeping it under the rug, masking it, being "productive", accomplishing more, is so much easier than getting to the root of what's bothering me. The problem with that, is that at the beginning of the year, one of the goals I set for myself was to begin this journey towards healing, and that is one goal I refuse to leave incomplete. I've realized when I get like this, it normally means there is something coming up that needs to be worked out.

So, tonight, I took some time for me. I stretched my body, took some deep breaths, meditated and cried...and the thoughts began to come, and I now know what's next in this healing journey, and I believe I am ready to face it head on.

 I am currently feeling a full range of emotion. I am feeling physically sick, my head is pounding, and my stomach is in knots. I am fearful, because I fear the unknown and I like being in control, I know that here is where I must relinquish control. I am joyful, because I know when I make it to the other side of this, I will be better.

So, for now, I will write. I will pray. I will meditate. I will stretch. I will listen to Solange'. I will be gentle with myself. I will indulge. I will pull back. I will go to church and sing. I will love on my babies. And let people love on me. I will actively seek joy and happiness. I won't run. I won't hide. I will heal. And it will be GLORIOUS.

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